Laughing at Fear. 

Live your beautiful life. The one you have. The one you dream of. The one your afraid to admit you want. The one others might judge you for because they may not understand. Live it.
I played so safe for too long. Most of my life. Afraid to let people down, to be too much, or not enough…to be too spunky or loud or quiet. Trying to fit the mold of what it meant to be…human? American? A woman? A daughter? To be bright? Or beautiful…and all of that led me to nothing sustainable.  
But when I gained perspective I lost sight of what fear tried to get me to understand. I gained the perspective to understand that I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. The unknown is scary, but it holds bad things and it also holds great things. If we do only what we know we grow nowhere. We cap what we can do. And what God can do. Be smart. Be informed, but don’t be afraid. 

On the Road Again.

14 days

16 cities

7 states

4 airports 

3 time zones

3 finished books

2 rental cars

Roughly 300ish cups of coffee…just a rough estimate. 😂
This has been life for me the last two weeks. 

It’s exhilarating…and exhausting at times. 
It’s completely comfortable and terrifyingly uncomfortable. 
It’s an interesting place to be. This inbetween. 
The last 24 hours have not felt good. Coming from the amazing trip I just took with friends transitioning to this work trip has felt completely different from the last. And I’m reminding myself that there were plenty of uncomfortable moments with the last trip so I need to push through to find the growth and beauty this place has to offer.
I’m pushing myself to accept that I need to go with the flow here.
I’ve been awake since 4 am and got in last night around 10, which is 1 am at home, registration isn’t until 10 so I’m making the most of this incredibly cold, snowy morning at Lake Tahoe and going to find a view 🙂 

Happy Sunday friends. 🙂

A Case of the Mondays. 

Back in Denver for our last day in the mountains, we are reinventing what it means to have a “case of the Mondays”. We are meeting, climbing, and exploring the Rockies. 
We hiked bear lake, nymph lake, dream lake, and emerald lake…in the snow…feet of snow…in shorts and sandals, and it was totally worth it. 10,000+ feet up in the snowy mountains, getting rained on. 
I can’t get enough of this place. 
The views…this is why panoramic photos where invented. Because no one would believe it were real otherwise. 
My toes were numb. My breath shallow. My mind not feeling as alert as normal, but I was already missing these views. My heart longing to soak in every second. 
I just wanted to lay on rocks and sink in a little more. Like an inflatable bounce house all to myself. I want to sink in and become a part of this place. Feeling the most myself I have in weeks, I stared out at this view and asked God to give me more dreams and the willpower to chase them. 
I worry about zero things here. No make up, don’t fix your hair, wearing smiles and laughter like blankets over us. It is the most beautiful accessory to my heart. 
Yet I know this isn’t my every day. This isn’t my 8-5. It’s not my job, it’s not my home, and it’s not my everyday life. It’s a peak, literally a peak, but also the exciting top of a mountain in my journey. 
One year ago, I was told to move on. At an airport, nonetheless. My heart broke. My dreams felt shattered. And I felt lied to. 
I’m here on the other side to prove life is what you make it. I refuse to settle for mediocre. I refuse to drop bars. I refuse to become bitter about things that are painful. (Praying God will always help me with that). I want to redefine standards, for others and myself. And I’m reinventing parts of my life that were dying that now require a little more tlc to start new growth. 
There are too many days in my life I wake up and don’t want to be happy. Plenty of mornings I wake up and feel a pinch of bitterness…and then I look at what God has brought me through.
God is giving me the most epic love story. It isn’t compromise or settling. It’s everything I could ask for and more, but I have to choose to see that over what others try to point out. It doesn’t always come easy. I’m not immune or excused from pain, negativity, or any other thing. It involves grace, prayers, lament, and the tears I talk about all too often. 
These mountains are my awe inspiring, soul awakening reminder that beautiful things are made where we care for them. 
Stop calling wildflowers weeds, friends, and run through them embracing that wild is just as beautiful as “put together” gardens. 

Leaving the Tetons. 

Sunday, June 4
Shew. 
It’s been a whirlwind. 
Travel days, long adventure days, getting in late, getting up early…and despite the crazy, I wouldn’t trade a second. 
The bittersweet I feel thinking about those mountains in my rear view is hard to explain without sounding crazy. It’s more than small, it’s longing to meet them again. It’s wishing I didn’t have to leave. It’s wishing “folding the map” was real. 
It’s love. That book you can’t put down, the song you listen to over and over, or the smell of the laundry of that person…it never gets old. You can’t get enough. 
I thought of all these things as I counted shades of blue, green, red, pink, yellow, orange, and purple. Tears formed in my eyes…because there’s no explanation. Beautiful souls, beautiful places…they steal a part of your heart. You fall in love, even if it sounds completely ridiculous. I won’t ever be the same, in the best way. It erases the parts of your memory that are false and helps you reset the truth. 
The truth is…that these mountains, people who love life, or the fresh clean mountain air will never cease to tear open a part of my heart I never knew existed. The side that is fearless. Adventurous. The side that has shown me how to live in freedom. 
Thankfulness is overflowing. 
Sunday we grabbed breakfast and coffee in the hotel before grabbing bagels later to head into the national park to say farewell to these mountains. 
At Jenny lake towards moose ponds we climbed out on some submerged rocks in icy Wyoming waters, and fell in love with this epic and fantasy world surrounding us.
I can’t help but laugh and find pure JOY in the friendships, in the surroundings, and the feelings I have thinking about this trip. Thinking about the goals we reached, the hard feelings I’m facing, and the dreams we all will start moving towards in our very different lives. 
It has been epic. 
The friendships that have grown, the goals we have taken on…it leaves us dreaming…and over here we do it big, so dreams start expanding. 
Driving through flatter terrain with the Tetons in my rear view, I asked God for new adventures. New dreams, and to never forget or become complacent to the ones I’ve already had. 
Roads from the Tetons are leaving me dreaming of even more roads and even more destinations.  

Running the Tetons. 

Day 5 was the culmination of our trip. Race day! Waking up to a dark, cold morning (4:00am)  in Jackson to run 13.1 miles in these mountains. 
It was hard to get started. It felt like everything was working against me. Had a small moment the night before where I felt so defeated, but thanks to awesome friends and the resort hot tub, I kicked those thoughts to the side. Weather was chilly for sure, my muscles felt slightly tight, it was so so early, we felt frazzled. My odds weren’t feeling ideal to finish or finish well.
Once the race started though, it felt pretty good. I had what felt like my groove. Ran with friends, made new friends, and kept moving praying that my muscles would warm and I’d be able to finish. 
Hip update. Hips were so good. Barely any pain until mile 11. I had to walk most of the last two miles…BUT I finished a half marathon! At altitude, with a hip I didn’t think could do it in the time I had. And next to the most beautiful mountain range.
God spoke to me through so many things in the past month, and here I was with tears in my eyes watching these beautiful mountains cheer me on. I couldn’t contain them as I ran towards the finish line! 6 months of healing, or therapy, small amounts of training and I just finished my first half. 

I could not have picked anything better. These girls. These mountains.
When I found my friends at the end, hugs and tears…more hugs, were all I had. Happiness is an understatement. Joy. Pure joy. 
Praise Jesus for miracles! 
 

Tetons. 

Day 4: Into the Tetons 
Friday morning was the calm before the storm in the Tetons. We’d get to meet them! Hike into them and find out just what they might have to offer us. Over the last year I’ve heard over and over not to rush through them. Like the rest of this trip, they did not disappoint us. Vast. Massive. Impressive. Mighty. All of these words have new meaning after this trip. I’m more in love with the mountains than I even knew. They are breathtaking, though some might say it’s the altitude, I know otherwise. Mountains are my love language. I literally am at loss for words. Just thankful that my eyes have the opportunity to see something this beautiful. In every sense. The sun reflecting off lakes of water, the jagged mountains covered in snow, the evergreen forests, the grassy plains. The fresh piney air in my lungs here. You can’t have a bad view here, every direction I take a photo thinking nope this view is even better than the last. 
We grabbed coffee and baked treats in Jackson at the cutest little bakery called Persephone and found our way through the city of Jackson before heading into the park. 
We drove into Grand Teton National Park and oh my. My, oh my. It’s magnificent. Whether it’s the fact that everything is flat and then all of a sudden huge 13,000 foot mountains rise up, or maybe something else all together. 
My heart sees something about these mountains it understands on another level. It relates to how hard the trek can be, it relates to the beautiful views from the top or maybe just along the way. It understands feeling tired, worn out, achy. It understands that it’s not always easy or great, and sometimes you start scanning every which way checking for bears or snakes or mountain lions oh my. It’s like life. We prepare and we try to make plans but around every corner something new, amazing or scary, presents itself. 
At the end of the day, God has blown me away. He is amazing. He got us here on a dream. And we sat on the dam at Jackson lake knowing in basically twelve hours we were running that dream. 13.1 miles, with this incredible view. The mountains as our spectators. 
Friends…chase after what you love. Make sure to make time and save money for things in your life that take your breath away. It’s so easy to get caught up in the grind. To get stuck in the rut. To rationalize that it’s too much time or money, but I’m here to tell you it’s possible. Chase it. Pursue those heart eyes. Your dream might not be running through the mountains, or even mountains at all, but chase it. And never forget it’s worth it. 

(We hiked Jenny lake, taggart lake, and Bradley lake. We sat at oxbow bend and the dam at Jackson lake.)

Road to the Tetons. 

Day three of our adventure to the Tetons was an eight hour drive to meet their snowy, jagged lines and incredible wonder. It is incredible. 
Funny thing is that I got a text from a friend along the way who was being silly and said that the journey isn’t about the destination, which is true, but the literal road to the Tetons has me thinking of the mental one that’s gotten me here. 
I wish I could express to you without being overcome with emotion how God planted this dream in my head through my sister and then my friends and family…almost 9 months ago and here we were driving through Wyoming to actually complete it. 
Listening to country music and talking about all that life has brought our way and we made it here. Laughing, feeling like we’ve lost our minds to altitude and maybe a little bit to sugar high. 
Reflecting on the mental preparation for this race is more than difficult for me. It’s not pretty. It doesn’t sound or look inspiring. It’s not clean neat lines. It’s defeat. It’s pain. It’s hopelessness. And tears. Many, too many tears. Good thing my friends and family are rockstars. 

Over a month ago I sat in a hospital room feeling like I couldn’t run this race. It didn’t matter how beautiful everything else was. All I could think about was hip pain. 

But there’s also faith. Hope. And the goodness of God that shines through even the worst situations. 
I know life could be worse. I know I have it good. But defeat and hopelessness and hurt try to make their way into your life and no one is immune to that or excused from it. Those things will try and try and try again. 
Eating BBQ at bubbas and dipping our feet in our hot tub was the part of the start to our welcome to the Tetons, but this trip is going to end with breaking our fears. Breaking what we thought we couldn’t do…and in all that we are coming out of this place better than we went into it. 
So thank you for this push. All the people who’ve contributed and supported. Life is meant to be lived to the fullest, even when we don’t feel we have it to give.