This morning I took my coffee to the park and sat at the lake’s edge. The past few weeks have felt emotionally tiring, I’ve probably felt all the emotions under the sun in just seven days. If I didn’t know better I might think I was losing my mind. So despite the impending rain, I made myself do something I knew deep down would jump start my soul, check my heart.
Inadequacy has been weighing heavy on my shoulders, especially at the thought of not being able to fend off negative thoughts recently. I fell back on the earth and closed my eyes, feeling the weight of what felt like failure. I ran my fingers through the grass and when I pressed my palms to the earth, I felt like a child with her hand on your dad’s chest. Safe. If I lay long enough maybe I’ll feel a heartbeat. I brought my hands up in front of me in the air and my focus shifted to the trees beyond.
I realized most of this tree I can’t actually see. Most of this tree is below my feet. And it’s standing steady.
Most of the world will never know your struggle the way you do. Most of the world will never know what it feels like to rest in your heart, breathe in weighty breathes in your lungs, and most of the world will never ask. The beauty I’m focusing on here is that breakthrough happens in the parts no one sees. Becoming. It’s awful. I want to jump into a safe feeling and forget that sometimes I do put on a smile to be viewed as “professional”, “likeable”, “put together”, not crazy…(I know this is false, but it’s a very real thought through one’s mind in this world sometimes).
My heart has been holding in my emotions lately, because I knew they might be viewed as negative. I was afraid that my emotions would lay heavy on another person if I shared them. I was afraid of what it might mean to let them out. And all of that is too many afraids to be even one good reason not to be honest about my heart. Last year I told myself that I don’t pretend to have it together anymore. I have an amazing group of friends who I trust with my vulnerable feelings and they have changed my life. So yes I don’t have to deal with everything alone, but I am responsible for myself and where I go from here. I deserve to be able to feel all the emotions for a moment, acknowledge the weight, and then part ways with things not fitting on me. That last part is vital. Not every day is good, great, or even decent. And getting through hard things isn’t a one time event. It can look like refusing the same bad thought thirty times in one day over the course of three months, until it no longer has an effect on you.
It’s hard. It’s intentional. And most of it happens in the quiet parts that no one, or at least not many, will ever see. Just know wherever you are that God has got you. You don’t have to be afraid of where you aren’t.