A Future.

Why do you not dream of the future?


My voice in my head is so good at speaking up until it’s asked a heart wrenching question.

…maybe I don’t believe I have one.

Maybe I sit in my chair and think this is my space. This is my box. These are the corners. I can stretch my arms out and know that it’s safe. Tomorrow is just today repeated. Just a collection of todays…

Isn’t that such a constricting, limiting thought? No growth. No change. No improvement or movement.

Stagnation is an epitome of Hell.


On cold mornings I actually love to sit outside consumed in an oversized, fluffy blanket and dream. So this morning the surprise of snow was just a love note. I close my eyes and breathe in the aroma of my coffee and remember journaling outside a café in Denver before heading to the top of Pikes Peak. The cold bite of air, partnered with the sound of pen to paper fresh in my mind. Looking down to see a stain on my hiking boots from the day before in the Rockies.

If you asked me to dream, it would be of mountains. The crunch of gravel under foot. Slight sweat as I assess the best way up a tough part of the trail. The soft chatter of my best friends not far ahead. No set in stone schedule day to day. Just the heart drawing you to places where you come alive. The views that draw your heart out in the form of tears. A heart that’s untamed by the thoughts of what should I be.


John 10:10 comes into play because God’s been throwing it in my path now for weeks.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (ESV)


I always focus on the first part of this verse. Watch out for the devil he’s gonna try to steal, kill, and destroy you.

But you see the end is the part we should focus on. The God end of the bargain.


I (God) came that they may have life. (and not just any life) Abundant life.


Focus on God and He will uphold His end of the bargain.

Abundant life is a promise to you.

No future, huh?

Just a collection of todays, you say?

Well watch out then. Because I never waste one.



It comes in so many forms, and maybe the most dangerous is the one we hold it in our hands.





Glowing in our faces. In the most intimate areas of our life, when we are by ourselves, it shines in our eager eyes.

This past weekend I realized something while scrolling social media, and I had to stop it.

I follow a lot of fitness people on social media, yoga mostly and a few others. I tell myself it’s for ideas…which it is at its core. I noticed a common thread and decided it doesn’t come into alignment with my beliefs.

Many fitness people post photos wearing little and sometimes no clothing.

Here’s my beef. I don’t workout to post photos in near to nothing as proof of the gym or the reason for it.

I’ll be transparent here. I go to the gym quite often. 5 days a week. I’m pretty dedicated to it. And here’s why…I enjoy it. I actually enjoy spinning, barre, yoga, weights, Tabata, TRX, running, climbing, hiking, cardio…yes all the cardio, and most everything inbetween. I don’t do any of those things for the soul purpose to lose weight or staying at my current weight. (I don’t even own a scale, for good reason.) Progress is NOT a number.

I like sweating at the gym. I like feeling accomplished, and honestly a little sore. Without the gym I suffer from insomnia about once a week or more, which is actually one of my biggest physical reasons for going. I have too much energy, and I can drive everyone insane. But it actually started because I found in college it was one of the only ways I could study well. One of the only ways I could be focused in on one thing. (For those who don’t know I’m most likely ADHD. And oh sweet sleep. That too.)

Now I realize that liking the gym might be the minority, but there are a lot of ways to do fitness. I encourage you to find one you enjoy, it helps a lot. I won’t lie, I enjoy seeing my own progress…measured in what I can do, maybe it’s more squats, more weight, or a difficult pose I’ve been working on for months. Sometimes it’s just by the fact that the next time I do it, I’m not sore after. Maybe it’s because I see a muscle I was told I had and never knew what it did. Maybe that means I can run a half marathon, or I can run after the sweetest little kiddos in my life, but not JUST how I look. Yes, looks can be a result of working out, but don’t cheapen your progress to just this.

Here’s my point. In a completely innocent desire to find new workouts and moves, I found that I compared something I love with everyone else’s highlight reel. I have been bombarded. I started to feel like what I did wasn’t enough. I must be a sad yogi if I never get my feet off the floor regularly. If this happens to you, I’m going to urge you to try something. One word.




I most likely have undiagnosed ADHD. I have asthma. I have psoriasis, on my face nonetheless. I don’t have a killer six pack. I have high cholesterol. I have cellulite on my backs of my legs. My skin has a mind of its own sometimes, and it can make me self conscious. I still get breakouts from time to time even though I’m almost out of my 20’s. I still can want all the foods that are bad for me, and also like really weird things that are good for me, like beets and spaghetti squash. I don’t know why. The point is we all are a collection of things. I don’t know your battle. I don’t know what you are going through, or what you’ve been through. I’ll never claim to, but I have my own no one else lives out but me. I can’t just live like the social media feed. My life and fitness will look different than everyone else’s life and fitness. And that is ok. Social media sometimes can make me think there’s only one win here, but there are so many wins that people don’t mention. Like one extra push up, your first push up on your feet, or your first push up ever! A one mile run or one more mile. Keeping up with your kids or your grandkids without running out of breath, and most of the world will never post those on social media. Those wins might be more ground shaking than all the inversions in the world.

It gets comfortable. Like your favorite worn in, ripped up, faded jeans. Like the softest cotton tee shirt you sleep in. Don’t let yourself get to that level of comfort with your soul and social media. When we are by ourselves we are so much more likely to talk down on ourselves. When we aren’t actively aware we are more likely to buy into what we see with our innocent eyes. The full set of abs on a person, who may never have struggled with weight, or sickness, or skin conditions, or loss, or whatever it is in your heart that you’ve encountered. This isn’t proof that you’re failing, because you aren’t where they are. The moment I start telling myself I should start doing yoga everyday just because someone else is, is the moment I’m doing it for the wrong reasons. I’m not meant to do yoga just because someone else is. I’m meant to do yoga because it gives me more ability to be who my soul is designed to be, if it does.

I’m not saying you can’t look at social media or that everyone you follow isn’t motivating. I’m just calling out something I see. If it makes you feel less than. If it makes you feel crumby. It’s not life giving; it needs to go. We don’t get enough time to spend any of it wasted on feeling less than who we are.

Always more.

I sat in a place I’ve sat many times and realized I was withholding the very thing I’m created for. To love. Love when your scared. Love when you don’t know the outcome. To hope for something. To dream a little bigger. Make God bigger than all the other things. It’s His rightful place. I talk about it all the time, yet needed desperately to make it personal this morning. And so on this ridiculously warm morning, I looked at my life and realized how easy it is to put up a wall in defense of the unknown and not even realize it.

Pretzel legs and hands open, I repented.

I sang these simple words.

“Unreserved, unrestrained, your love is wild Your love is wild for me.”

Reckless love…

That’s what we receive…and it’s what I’m called to.

Ending in 8.

Just like that she let go.

With ink passing over clean spaces.

Strong, sharp inhale. Slow, shaky exhale.

A hum lightly in the background. Fear rushing out, as the unfamiliar pushes in.

Closed eyes.

She let go.

Of the girl everyone thought she was. In her stillness, she let go. It wasn’t for show. It was for her soul. It was for every decision she made by holding on for too long. It was the reminder that you are more than your physical self and the thoughts that circle.

The slow, drawn out sound of scissors by careful, steady hands.

It was a bold stirring of the heart to change and to not be stuck on the comfort of being what someone else approves of, including yourself.

Hum. Buzz. Snip.

Inhale, sharp. Exhale, slow.

Without a sound. Eyes closed. She let go. One unsteady breathe at a time.

Opened her hands and gave every ounce of her heart, for the hope that the best is yet to come.

Sunrise, sunset. 

Do you think sometimes God gets tired of making amazing things?
This thought crossed my mind, as I sat on the lakes edge and watched the sun go down. God are you tired of making beautiful sunrises and sunsets each day? Tired of wooing my heart?…Am I high maintenance? hahaha
I looked out in front of me and thought, this was the kind of sunset that didn’t make a big deal about itself. It wasn’t overly vibrant. Not orange or yellow and red. It didn’t fill the whole sky. It just melted behind the clouds like it was no big deal, as life moved quickly into evening. Blurring one day into the next. A transition I think little about. Maybe no one posted a photo on instagram of this sunset and no ones breath was taken away when they walked out the front door. No second glance or double take.

And I heard God tell me in that moment that God created things so they don’t have to be managed. He’s not putting on a play, where he plays all the characters and the stage crew and he runs everywhere and if he misses his cue the sunset is less than overwhelming. He’s not tired of pursuing my heart with pretty sunsets, or wild, white flowers, or snow peaked jagged mountain tops, or acoustic versions of my favorite songs. See the pursuing of my heart isn’t always the sunset itself. He’s helping me become aware of my surroundings and that’s how he woos my heart. Through relationship. Through presence. It isn’t the flower, or sun, or even the mountains themselves. It’s the awareness of pursuit that truly makes the thing in front of me matter.
But in spite of Him being the all powerful God of the universe it’s amazing that He gave us 6 days of working, creating, wooing…and then day seven He taught us the importance of resting in it. Of being and not having to do all the things. Of simply sitting in creation in awe that all the world is autonomously working as instructed, while we rest in its beauty. (In my best Gru impression)
“light bulb”.
The world is designed with forward motion. To autonomously function without constant instruction. It’s built in. Sometimes our circumstances and choices make for sunsets that don’t draw attention to themselves. And our hearts inward focus to less awareness of him and more awareness to the problems crowding our life. Then there are times when God grabs us with sunsets that bring us to our knees in tears. And you can’t help but be in his awareness. Fully immersed. But it’s always important to take a second and rest your heart when it feels too heavy. To remember to sit in who he created us to be instead of striving to hit all the marks. Sit and recognize that autonomously we too are created to woo. With your kindness, your smile, your very presence. It’s important.

Rainy Morning Vibes. 

This morning I took my coffee to the park and sat at the lake’s edge. The past few weeks have felt emotionally tiring, I’ve probably felt all the emotions under the sun in just seven days. If I didn’t know better I might think I was losing my mind. So despite the impending rain, I made myself do something I knew deep down would jump start my soul, check my heart. 

Inadequacy has been weighing heavy on my shoulders, especially at the thought of not being able to fend off negative thoughts recently. I fell back on the earth and closed my eyes, feeling the weight of what felt like failure. I ran my fingers through the grass and when I pressed my palms to the earth, I felt like a child with her hand on your dad’s chest. Safe. If I lay long enough maybe I’ll feel a heartbeat. I brought my hands up in front of me in the air and my focus shifted to the trees beyond. 

I realized most of this tree I can’t actually see. Most of this tree is below my feet. And it’s standing steady. 

Most of the world will never know your struggle the way you do. Most of the world will never know what it feels like to rest in your heart, breathe in weighty breathes in your lungs, and most of the world will never ask. The beauty I’m focusing on here is that breakthrough happens in the parts no one sees. Becoming. It’s awful. I want to jump into a safe feeling and forget that sometimes I do put on a smile to be viewed as “professional”, “likeable”, “put together”, not crazy…(I know this is false, but it’s a very real thought through one’s mind in this world sometimes). 

My heart has been holding in my emotions lately, because I knew they might be viewed as negative. I was afraid that my emotions would lay heavy on another person if I shared them. I was afraid of what it might mean to let them out. And all of that is too many afraids to be even one good reason not to be honest about my heart. Last year I told myself that I don’t pretend to have it together anymore. I have an amazing group of friends who I trust with my vulnerable feelings and they have changed my life. So yes I don’t have to deal with everything alone, but I am responsible for myself and where I go from here. I deserve to be able to feel all the emotions for a moment, acknowledge the weight, and then part ways with things not fitting on me. That last part is vital. Not every day is good, great, or even decent. And getting through hard things isn’t a one time event. It can look like refusing the same bad thought thirty times in one day over the course of three months, until it no longer has an effect on you. 

It’s hard. It’s intentional. And most of it happens in the quiet parts that no one, or at least not many, will ever see. Just know wherever you are that God has got you. You don’t have to be afraid of where you aren’t. 

Laughing at Fear. 

Live your beautiful life. The one you have. The one you dream of. The one your afraid to admit you want. The one others might judge you for because they may not understand. Live it.
I played so safe for too long. Most of my life. Afraid to let people down, to be too much, or not enough…to be too spunky or loud or quiet. Trying to fit the mold of what it meant to be…human? American? A woman? A daughter? To be bright? Or beautiful…and all of that led me to nothing sustainable.  
But when I gained perspective I lost sight of what fear tried to get me to understand. I gained the perspective to understand that I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. The unknown is scary, but it holds bad things and it also holds great things. If we do only what we know we grow nowhere. We cap what we can do. And what God can do. Be smart. Be informed, but don’t be afraid.