Rainy Morning Vibes. 

This morning I took my coffee to the park and sat at the lake’s edge. The past few weeks have felt emotionally tiring, I’ve probably felt all the emotions under the sun in just seven days. If I didn’t know better I might think I was losing my mind. So despite the impending rain, I made myself do something I knew deep down would jump start my soul, check my heart. 

Inadequacy has been weighing heavy on my shoulders, especially at the thought of not being able to fend off negative thoughts recently. I fell back on the earth and closed my eyes, feeling the weight of what felt like failure. I ran my fingers through the grass and when I pressed my palms to the earth, I felt like a child with her hand on your dad’s chest. Safe. If I lay long enough maybe I’ll feel a heartbeat. I brought my hands up in front of me in the air and my focus shifted to the trees beyond. 

I realized most of this tree I can’t actually see. Most of this tree is below my feet. And it’s standing steady. 

Most of the world will never know your struggle the way you do. Most of the world will never know what it feels like to rest in your heart, breathe in weighty breathes in your lungs, and most of the world will never ask. The beauty I’m focusing on here is that breakthrough happens in the parts no one sees. Becoming. It’s awful. I want to jump into a safe feeling and forget that sometimes I do put on a smile to be viewed as “professional”, “likeable”, “put together”, not crazy…(I know this is false, but it’s a very real thought through one’s mind in this world sometimes). 

My heart has been holding in my emotions lately, because I knew they might be viewed as negative. I was afraid that my emotions would lay heavy on another person if I shared them. I was afraid of what it might mean to let them out. And all of that is too many afraids to be even one good reason not to be honest about my heart. Last year I told myself that I don’t pretend to have it together anymore. I have an amazing group of friends who I trust with my vulnerable feelings and they have changed my life. So yes I don’t have to deal with everything alone, but I am responsible for myself and where I go from here. I deserve to be able to feel all the emotions for a moment, acknowledge the weight, and then part ways with things not fitting on me. That last part is vital. Not every day is good, great, or even decent. And getting through hard things isn’t a one time event. It can look like refusing the same bad thought thirty times in one day over the course of three months, until it no longer has an effect on you. 

It’s hard. It’s intentional. And most of it happens in the quiet parts that no one, or at least not many, will ever see. Just know wherever you are that God has got you. You don’t have to be afraid of where you aren’t. 

Laughing at Fear. 

Live your beautiful life. The one you have. The one you dream of. The one your afraid to admit you want. The one others might judge you for because they may not understand. Live it.
I played so safe for too long. Most of my life. Afraid to let people down, to be too much, or not enough…to be too spunky or loud or quiet. Trying to fit the mold of what it meant to be…human? American? A woman? A daughter? To be bright? Or beautiful…and all of that led me to nothing sustainable.  
But when I gained perspective I lost sight of what fear tried to get me to understand. I gained the perspective to understand that I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. The unknown is scary, but it holds bad things and it also holds great things. If we do only what we know we grow nowhere. We cap what we can do. And what God can do. Be smart. Be informed, but don’t be afraid. 

On the Road Again.

14 days

16 cities

7 states

4 airports 

3 time zones

3 finished books

2 rental cars

Roughly 300ish cups of coffee…just a rough estimate. 😂
This has been life for me the last two weeks. 

It’s exhilarating…and exhausting at times. 
It’s completely comfortable and terrifyingly uncomfortable. 
It’s an interesting place to be. This inbetween. 
The last 24 hours have not felt good. Coming from the amazing trip I just took with friends transitioning to this work trip has felt completely different from the last. And I’m reminding myself that there were plenty of uncomfortable moments with the last trip so I need to push through to find the growth and beauty this place has to offer.
I’m pushing myself to accept that I need to go with the flow here.
I’ve been awake since 4 am and got in last night around 10, which is 1 am at home, registration isn’t until 10 so I’m making the most of this incredibly cold, snowy morning at Lake Tahoe and going to find a view 🙂 

Happy Sunday friends. 🙂

A Case of the Mondays. 

Back in Denver for our last day in the mountains, we are reinventing what it means to have a “case of the Mondays”. We are meeting, climbing, and exploring the Rockies. 
We hiked bear lake, nymph lake, dream lake, and emerald lake…in the snow…feet of snow…in shorts and sandals, and it was totally worth it. 10,000+ feet up in the snowy mountains, getting rained on. 
I can’t get enough of this place. 
The views…this is why panoramic photos where invented. Because no one would believe it were real otherwise. 
My toes were numb. My breath shallow. My mind not feeling as alert as normal, but I was already missing these views. My heart longing to soak in every second. 
I just wanted to lay on rocks and sink in a little more. Like an inflatable bounce house all to myself. I want to sink in and become a part of this place. Feeling the most myself I have in weeks, I stared out at this view and asked God to give me more dreams and the willpower to chase them. 
I worry about zero things here. No make up, don’t fix your hair, wearing smiles and laughter like blankets over us. It is the most beautiful accessory to my heart. 
Yet I know this isn’t my every day. This isn’t my 8-5. It’s not my job, it’s not my home, and it’s not my everyday life. It’s a peak, literally a peak, but also the exciting top of a mountain in my journey. 
One year ago, I was told to move on. At an airport, nonetheless. My heart broke. My dreams felt shattered. And I felt lied to. 
I’m here on the other side to prove life is what you make it. I refuse to settle for mediocre. I refuse to drop bars. I refuse to become bitter about things that are painful. (Praying God will always help me with that). I want to redefine standards, for others and myself. And I’m reinventing parts of my life that were dying that now require a little more tlc to start new growth. 
There are too many days in my life I wake up and don’t want to be happy. Plenty of mornings I wake up and feel a pinch of bitterness…and then I look at what God has brought me through.
God is giving me the most epic love story. It isn’t compromise or settling. It’s everything I could ask for and more, but I have to choose to see that over what others try to point out. It doesn’t always come easy. I’m not immune or excused from pain, negativity, or any other thing. It involves grace, prayers, lament, and the tears I talk about all too often. 
These mountains are my awe inspiring, soul awakening reminder that beautiful things are made where we care for them. 
Stop calling wildflowers weeds, friends, and run through them embracing that wild is just as beautiful as “put together” gardens. 

Leaving the Tetons. 

Sunday, June 4
Shew. 
It’s been a whirlwind. 
Travel days, long adventure days, getting in late, getting up early…and despite the crazy, I wouldn’t trade a second. 
The bittersweet I feel thinking about those mountains in my rear view is hard to explain without sounding crazy. It’s more than small, it’s longing to meet them again. It’s wishing I didn’t have to leave. It’s wishing “folding the map” was real. 
It’s love. That book you can’t put down, the song you listen to over and over, or the smell of the laundry of that person…it never gets old. You can’t get enough. 
I thought of all these things as I counted shades of blue, green, red, pink, yellow, orange, and purple. Tears formed in my eyes…because there’s no explanation. Beautiful souls, beautiful places…they steal a part of your heart. You fall in love, even if it sounds completely ridiculous. I won’t ever be the same, in the best way. It erases the parts of your memory that are false and helps you reset the truth. 
The truth is…that these mountains, people who love life, or the fresh clean mountain air will never cease to tear open a part of my heart I never knew existed. The side that is fearless. Adventurous. The side that has shown me how to live in freedom. 
Thankfulness is overflowing. 
Sunday we grabbed breakfast and coffee in the hotel before grabbing bagels later to head into the national park to say farewell to these mountains. 
At Jenny lake towards moose ponds we climbed out on some submerged rocks in icy Wyoming waters, and fell in love with this epic and fantasy world surrounding us.
I can’t help but laugh and find pure JOY in the friendships, in the surroundings, and the feelings I have thinking about this trip. Thinking about the goals we reached, the hard feelings I’m facing, and the dreams we all will start moving towards in our very different lives. 
It has been epic. 
The friendships that have grown, the goals we have taken on…it leaves us dreaming…and over here we do it big, so dreams start expanding. 
Driving through flatter terrain with the Tetons in my rear view, I asked God for new adventures. New dreams, and to never forget or become complacent to the ones I’ve already had. 
Roads from the Tetons are leaving me dreaming of even more roads and even more destinations.